A Long Week

I don't really have all that much to tell you. I have been working on planning my Spring Bazaar. I'm excited at what is going on with it and need to start getting my things together for my table. I ended up at Kinkos yesterday making copies of Customer Specials and Hostess Specials. I then called my sister B and we met up at Olive Garden and ate lunch with the four kids and two adults. After lunch, we ventured over to Target where I intended to walk around with B as she looked for items on her list including a toddler car seat for Nibble. Now, at that time, I had a moment: I remembered that my baby girl is going to be a year old in a month in a half and that means that she gets to have a new car seat. So, now I need to go shopping. I remember how much time I spent researching and finding the perfect seat for Captain, and I know Burbles deserves just as much research, but I think it may just be easiest to buy the same seat we have for Captain. Although it is a little big, he seems very comfortable and has good head support. The car seat is also very easy to use. The car seat that I speak of is the Graco Toddler SafeSeat. This is not the exact style because apparently the style we have is no longer available. There is a cute girl pattern called Natalie, but I don't know. Anyhow, so this past weekend I was able to get away from the kids for almost a whole day to scrapbook. It was really nice and I got some pages done and it felt good to be out amongst the people of the world. Then on Sunday we went to church. It was a great sermon and maybe I'll be able to get the letter that Father read during church. Then it was such a nice day that we went to Grumpa E's house and Captain got to go on a snowmobile ride. He wasn't thrilled at first but after a couple of loops, he didn't want to get off. That night we had a Birthday party for Fundi. It was fun and I'm always so proud when things go off without a hitch. Then the week started. And I really haven't had much time to do anything since. I have gotten to watch Big Brother, though, and I would like to say that I am enjoying this season. I caught a terrible cold sometime since Sunday. It isn't terrible in that I am down and out, but I am just so congested and have a lot of head pressure. I have also had some trouble sleeping. Last night in particular was plagued with dreams of the Spring Bazaar, unpreparedness, and a lack of room for all of the vendors. All of these things I hope will not be issues, but I have been thinking about how things will play out, so all of this is understandable. I have put so much work into planning and getting vendors and sending out things to the vendors and making sure that everyone was on the same page and advertising.

Thursday night, Grumpa E came over to play with the kids in the afternoon. He was reading a book to Captain and they were talking about the pictures. One of the pictures was a puppy. Captain got all teary and his voice quivered. He got off Grumpa's lap and walked half-way to the door pointing. He said in this break-my-heart voice: "Puppy broken. Elephant broken." When I asked him to repeat what he had said, he said it again and got even more teary and sad. I was at a loss for what was happening. We had talked about any number of things including the elephant ride at the circus. Click. At the circus (4 days prior), there had been a clown during acts. The clown brought out three stuffed animals: a giraffe, a lion, and an elephant. He stood them up in a line and took out a large cardboard key. He cranked (with dramatic sound effects) the lion up and then walked around the ring marching to the music. Of course, the lion didn't follow. He kicked the lion across the ring. Then came the giraffe with the same theatrics. Third was the elephant. The clown cranked and started marching to the music, and the elephant followed. About three-quarters of the way around the ring, the elephant slowly tipped over as though running out of gas. The clown cranked the elephant again. The same thing happened. And again. Finally, the clown cranked and cranked and cranked and cranked. The ring-master asked the clown to stop so that the elephant wouldn't break. The clown didn't listen, and sure enough, every time the clown stood the elephant up and the music started, the elephant tipped over. Finally, the elephant took off and he and the clown marched around the ring. Then the clown went to the elephant and took its costume off. Here is was a little puppy. This was such a small part of the circus. Typing this story has taken longer than the act itself. Obviously, though, to a toddler, whose favorite little animals were combined into a tragic tale, this was not a small part of the circus. As I told Grumpa the story, Captain got emotional. When I asked him if this was what he was talking about, he said "yeah". Ever since, when we are talking to people about the circus, and even if we aren't, he starts talking about "Puppy broke. Elephant broke." And he still gets emotional about it. I hope he isn't traumatized. We have explained that it was just a story and that both the puppy and elephant are fine, but I have a feeling he isn't buying it.

Anyhow, I'm gonna caption these pictures and then get busy here at the house. Have a great rest of the week and I will for sure let you know how the Bazaar goes on Saturday.

Here is Nibble. This photo was taken today. A couple of weeks ago, I spied a shiny spot on his gum. Thinking that it was something that he had gotten into his mouth that he shouldn't have, I felt for it. It was hard and sharp. A tooth. I looked and there was a corresponding tooth on the other side. This is all the more reason to keep his name Nibble. He is now a vampire.
Sorry about my foot in the photo. This was this week one day. They were laying on the floor with their arms intertwined and I thought it was cute.
Look at those Baby Blues. A little model posing. His momma has him trained when the camera comes out.
The purchase from Target yesterday. It is the most perfect t-shirt for Captain. I almost cried when I saw it. I am going to save it for those particularly hard toddler days. Everything on here is true. I could fill up the whole back side of the shirt as well.
Here is a close up.

Captain getting ready for his big ride.
Captain and Grumpa E before they took off.
Coming around the first time. Not a happy camper.
Burbles didn't get a ride but she got a picture with Grumpa.
Mommy and Captain on the sled. He had a great time when we rode around. I think we could have done it for hours. I remember falling asleep on the snowmobile when I was younger.

This is the sad sight when Grumpa left for the trails. He and his girlfriend P and another couple when on a ride that afternoon. Captain chased them down the road. He kept calling "Grumpa, snowmobile ride. Grumpa, snowmobile ride." It almost made me cry.
The night of Fundi's party Grandpa G and the grand kids.
Getting ready for church. Burbles was fighting to not have to get dressed. Captain was helping chase her around with her sweater to put it on her.
One of this month's elephant photos.
When Mom's away, the kids will play. Fundi blended up some soup so that Captain would eat everything in it. By the looks of it, he enjoyed the soup.

Full Lunar Eclipse

Five years ago, around this same time of year, there was a full lunar eclipse. I remember it well. I am sitting here now, five years later and watching the moon fall into the shadow of the earth and watching it slowly disappear. Captain didn't know what to think tonight. I showed him the moon as it was rising. It was a deep red-orange and it wasn't his usual "White Moon" that he looks at. He watched it rise through the trees and then it was his bed time, so I will continue to watch it for him.
The reason I remember the lunar eclipse from five years ago is this: it was the year my mom died. I was working at the Sheriff's Youth Program Home in Winona, Minnesota. For whatever reason, I was working alone that evening and was waiting for my relief. As was customary, between bed checks, I was working on paperwork, checking the internet for email and weather, and looking forward to driving home and going to sleep. I was living at my parents' house. I had graduate College that January and moved home so that I could be close to Fundi. We hadn't even talked of marriage and I didn't figure that I would ever have moved back home, but that is where I was. The Sheriff's Youth Program offered me a job in my field, although no college degree was required, so even though I was working in my field, I wasn't being paid for the degree I had. It was only a part-time job and it was over half an hour away from home, but it was something for me to do and I enjoyed the work. I was working with troubled kids. Some of them had broken the law (one had stolen an Amish Buggy in the rain so that he didn't have to walk home after his father had forgotten to pick him up from work), most of them came from broken homes, most of them needed direction and guidance, and all of them needed someone who cared. I enjoyed it. I did. I did however, get a little nervous when I was working by myself, and I did find great relief when the next shift showed up. This just happened to be a lady in her mid-thirtys who I happened to get along with really well. We both had the same sense of humor and we both wanted what was best for the kids. We had just found out that my mom was sick. Her father had died of lung cancer (quite quickly) a short time before. And, although we didn't have a diagnosis for my Mom and she had been released from the hospital, in the back of all of our minds, we were thinking the worst and hoping for the best. That night, as I was relieved, we had a long discussion about lung cancer and the best and worst case scenarios. I was pretty upset. I called Fundi and told him that I would be stopping at his house and I wanted him to come out with me and watch the moon disappear and reappear. He did so, even though I could tell he didn't particularly care about the moon. We took his truck and drove to a crushed rock parking lot. It was cold. We sat on the tailgate of his truck for at least an hour watching the moon. Little was said that night, and what was said revolved around my Mom. I remember crying that terrible silent cry that makes you feel so alone. I remember the tears stinging my cold cheeks. Fundi sat beside me and patiently held my hand. I remember feeling grateful for him not asking me to explain myself. He didn't ask why I was crying--he knew. I know that he loved Mom too. I know that he had the same fears I had (the fears that would later be confirmed by the doctors) and I know that he feared the worst (the news that would later be confirmed by the doctors) and hoped for the best (the opportunity we never had). I was so lonely even though I had Fundi. I guess there is a place in me that is still terribly lonely. It is a place that noone could ever fill no matter how much time passes.
I was quite close to Mom, as many of you probably know by know, and my favorite thing to do when I was driving home from work was to call her up and talk to her. She worked the night shift at the jail in our county, and in both my job at College and after College, I was always driving home when she was just starting her shift. If she wasn't busy, she would talk with me about how everything was going on my whole drive home (in both jobs, it was over a half an hour of driving). Many times I even stopped at the Jail and hung out with her and her co-workers into the late night hours or even early morning hours. One of my favorite passtimes after I turned 18 was to go on ride-alongs with the officers. It was so much fun. I felt adventurous and excited. Mom and I never ran out of things to talk about, and ride-alongs and other Jail news was always fun discussion. I loved hearing about the things that went on while I was away at College. Many times when I came home for visits, I would be able to jump right in to ride-along again. I don't think I would have the bravery to be an officer, but I love being a side-kick and I have so many fun and interesting stories from this strange passtime. (For a different time.)
That night of the lunar eclipse, my Mom wasn't watching. I believe she was home in bed. My drive to Fundi's house was terribly lonely. I didn't get to call Mom and tell her what I was going to be doing that evening. I stopped working at Sheriff's Youth Program when they laid me off just before my Mom passed away. After Fundi and I were married, I started a job at Wal-Mart in the same town Sheriff's Youth Program had been in. How I longed for those calls to Mom. How I longed for someone to keep me company on the way home from work after my evening shifts. And, even now after I am not working, I wonder how it would be if She were still around. I think about the comfortable routine we would fall into. After Fundi goes to work in the evenings, I can see her coming over and hanging out as we get the kids ready for bed. I can see her spending some daytime hours with us as well while Fundi sleeps. I can hear the phone calls when I need advice about the kids. She would love the kids. She would be happy for us. I feel like I was cheated. I feel like my kids were cheated. I feel like She was cheated.
And now, as the moon disappears in the shadow, I think of the great absence in the sky. Something that is ever present being hidden and taken away. Even though we can't see it, it is there, as I know she is. I guess I find a strange comfort in that just as I did on that night five years ago.

The Circus

Here is the crew waiting for intermission to be over. We had a really great time at the Circus and the whole day was a great experience. It was so much fun to watch the kids having a good time. Everyone was well-behaved and attentive.
Z smiling pretty for the camera.
Fundi, Captain and Fiona rode on an elephant. Captain has been talking about it all day. I think they had a great time. No one even freaked out, which was surprising and exciting at the same time.
It was a BIG elephant. From the stands it didn't look so big, but once you were on the ground standing beside it, is was pretty tall.
Burbles and Captain sitting like big kids on the fold-out stadium chairs. Captain isn't really drinking the Pepsi, although he would have liked to have been. Fundi, Captain, Burbles waiting for the Circus to start.
Captain eating Cotton Candy. Now, typically this isn't my parenting style (to say the least), but I couldn't help but to let him indulge a little bit. I figured that he would love it, but he really didn't care much for it, and he refused to take any after about the third small bite that I gave him.
Fundi, on the other hand, enjoyed the Cotton Candy as much as I did.
Here I am with the kids.

Before we went to the Circus, we went to Chuck E. Cheese. Burbles and Captain both enjoyed the mechanical band at the front of the restaurant. We sat front and center so that it was like a kid-friendly dinner theater (a real dinner theater? now that would be a novel idea...)
Captain sat by the "Puppy". Now, I don't know what kind of puppy this was supposed to be, but I can say that we don't have much experience with mice (which is a great thing) so he just didn't know that Chuck E. Cheese was a mouse... didn't get that connection.... the cheese/mouse thing. He is too young for that yet, I think.
Burbles sitting next to him now. I don't know what she was thinking.... probably "why is this thing moving and where can I hold on"
Bob the Builder here, but he just liked the bull dozer idea. Doesn't know a think about Bob the Builder.
Monster Trucks, now there is something he can figure out. This one tipped backward, forward, sideways, and shook. He wasn't terribly thrilled about all of this, but he and Fiona did fine together.Now, who can go to an arcade without playing skee-ball? NOT ME! It is my favorite and Fundi played for the first time. Captain is just obsessed with the balls.

Dear Captain--month 22

Dear Captain,
I love you dearly, but yesterday you were very trying. You have come to realize that pushing my buttons is fun. You enjoy stealing things away from me and running as fast as you can. I realize you probably want attention, but I need my space too. You also steal things away from your little sister. I hope that this is just a phase, a way for you to assert your independence and let us know that you want our attention and our love. You have also taken to biting, hitting, pushing, and kicking. I really hope that this is just a phase. You have been learning so much lately. We have been working with you on reading. You really enjoy the Your Baby Can Read DVD Set. You wake up in the morning and after breakfast you ask to watch the "Baby DVD". You are still sleeping downstairs in the dark by yourself and we are so proud of you. You go downstairs willingly and just a couple weeks ago, you have started asking for help going up and down the stairs standing up. You hold our hands and use your short little legs to get you up and down. Just this morning you said "Thirsty. I'm thirsty. Drink milk please." What a big boy. You really enjoy being out and about. You love shopping and going out to eat. You like to look around at new surroundings and talk to new people. Sometimes you are shy, but you are quick to warm up. You enjoy going to church, about a month ago, probably right after I wrote your last letter, we went to church on a Saturday evening. You had a clear view of Father, and after everyone had bowed their heads for a prayer, you said (rather loudly) "Hi, Father." Father's face turned red and he said "Hi, Captain." and tried his hardest not to laugh. The whole church laughed. They all adore you and tend to pay more attention to you than to Father sometimes. You got your hair cut this week and you sat in the chair all by yourself and didn't make a fuss or wiggle too much or anything. You are such a big boy and are so independent. Your favorite food right now is Cottage Cheese and has been for quite some time. You would eat it at every meal if I would let you. You also love anything sweet. Last night when we got home from church, you were fascinated by the "White Moon" and kept looking up at the sky. So, after Dad took your sister in the house to put her to sleep, he shut off the outside lights and you and I stayed outside looking at the big sky and pointing to the moon and the stars. I can't wait to take you outside on a summer night and run around and catch fireflies and look at all the stars in the sky. It is snowing right now. You enjoy the snow. You love running around in it and eating it. You hate your boots as you can't walk very well in them, but it doesn't seem to bother you when you wear you leather soft-shoes around outside even when it is cold and they get wet. We are going to the circus tomorrow night. We can't wait to see how you react. I'm sure that you will be absolutely excited and observant. Maybe we'll even get you some cotton candy.
We love you more today than yesterday,
Mommy

Identity Theft and God

Last night's sermon at church related to me in so many ways. The Gospel was about God telling the others on the mountain that in fact they should listen to Jesus because he was here to bring the Good News to all. God exposed the identity of Jesus. During Lent we are called to expose our true identity. Our priest talked for a while about Identity Theft and how people are very concerned with getting their identities stolen. The question was: What can we really define as our identities? Is an identity something that can be stolen? How do we identify ourselves? Do we identify ourselves by our past? Our present? Our mistakes? Our achievements? Our possessions? Of course all of this is what is combined to create our identity. But, how are we doing on our Spiritual Identity? Are we giving enough? Do we pray enough? Do we help others enough? Are we willing enough to serve? Do we take what we learn in church on a weekly basis and make it into something that could be considered follow-through? We are really not able to judge ourselves or others on all of these questions, I think. It is up to God. I think that we can try our best to follow the Word. When we make a mistake, learn from it. But, in the end, I think God is the one who will decide if our Identity is what it should be.

Which brings me to why I can really relate to the sermon: I was in a funk yesterday. Not to say that I have to be in a funk to relate to a sermon. Also, my kids were being held by someone other than me (a good thing considering my mood and their behavior yesterday) and I was able to really dissolve in the sermon and think about everything that was being said and how I could use it in my life. My funk, as far as I can tell, was brought on by the book: Dispatches From A Not So Perfect Life or How I Learned to Love the House, the Man, the Child. A book that seemingly truly examines the roles of Homemaker, Wife, and Mother. Here is my review thus far (only 20-some pages in):

Started this book. It makes me terribly lonely. It hits right on how I feel sometimes. It makes me want to run away. And I'm not even through the first story. I don't know how this is going to go. Will I continue longing for something which I cannot have or will I embrace what I have and be happy with the situation I am in? I guess that is my choice and is probably what the whole book is about. However, lately I find myself daydreaming about my college days. I believe I am remembering them through rose-colored glasses, but I feel like I didn't do enough during them. I feel like a part of me was left behind and a part of me needs to revisit and have closure with them. What if my whole life turns out this way? What if I always look back and think that I would like to live through this time or that time all over again even though I should be perfectly satisfied where I am at this point in time? Good grief.

After re-reading this review, I feel like I am an ungrateful, undeserving, immature little brat. Sure, just like Father said last night, everyone makes mistakes or wonders "What if...?". I just really need to make myself move past this. I love being a Homemaker (even if I am not the best cook in the world), I love being a Mom (even if I lose my temper sometimes or have a bad day), I love being a Wife (even if I can't figure out why Fundi can't see the messes around the house). There is always something in our house to eat--we should be grateful. We are parents and even though our children are not always the quiet, well behaved little beings we want them to be, we are so terribly proud and happy to have them as ours--we should be grateful. My husband always comes home from his long day of work and helps out and he is wonderful to me (not by buying me flowers and candy, but by loving me even in my funk--even after I can't remember my last shower) and I love him dearly-- I should be grateful. And I am, don't get me wrong. I am grateful for everything that God has blessed us with. But, the book questions Identity (although, thus far, not Spiritual Identity) and made me feel insecure with my happiness in the mundane things in my life. I will continue reading it. I am not saying that it is a bad book. It is very well written and I love a book that makes me think or challenges my thinking. This maybe just hit a little too close to home. And yesterday, in my funk, it made me long for things that I wouldn't trade for what I have now... not in this life. I would just like to say I love my house, my man, and my kids. I also love my God.

Bad Blogger

The other morning Burbles and I snuggled up on the couch waiting for Nibble to arrive. She was wide awake. Me, not so much.
Fiona and Captain pretended they were sleeping on the couch. They each had a pillow and the end of the couch but they shared the blanket. It was sweet.

Here is something for all you Lambies out there. It is a duck in a lamb suit.
Clap.
Look at her all posing for the camera. She was pushing this tub around and walking behind it.
Captain lining up his balls. Is this normal? Please look at the following pictures and tell me if there is something wrong or if this is only a normal stage in development. I have been trying to figure this out myself.
Shoes in a line. He did this. They aren't where they are supposed to be. He moved each shoe to its specific resting spot.

Balls and blocks. Please note that the blocks on the right are all facing the same direction.
Cars in a row. He was so proud.
See?
This is the view from our house the other day after the snowstorm. There are a two photos here, but they are pretty cool.
Fiona's Birthday Party:
Birthday cake. Yummy.
Fiona with her cake and candles.
Burbles got a bow on her head.
She liked the pillow that Fiona got for her birthday.

Fiona opens her gifts.
Captain opens Fiona's gifts.
See the blanket? He was walking around with it around his body toga-style. Of couse I didn't get my camera fast enough to take the picture and then when he saw the camera, he sat down and put the blanket down.
Puzzle.
This is the Usborne CEO/President, Randall White. I had a moment... there at that conference, and I will admit it to you all now. Starting with a story: when I first started selling Usborne Books, I couldn't wait to get my shipments of books (obviously not much has changed). On one of my first shipments, I noticed that there was a handwritten greeting that said "HI Andrea R.White" Now, you probably have already figured this out, but having not been with the company and not really had much contact with anyone other than my sponsor and my supervisor, I said to Fundi: "Reggie White says HI". Fundi says to me "I thought Reggie White [former Green Bay Packer] was dead." I replied that I didn't remember and we hypothesized on who would possibly be signing my boxes as though they knew me. I received a few more of these signed boxes and we just made little jokes about dead Reggie White signing my boxes and how they sure must not have a lot to do in the shipping department if they are continuing to personally handwrite greetings on so many of my boxes. Fastforward to January 26th--Mega-Regional Conference in the Twin Cities. I was excited to be there, excited to meet my supervisor and all of the other people who would be there who shared a common passion. We were seated and after a few housekeeping announcements, the lady introduced "our CEO and President Randall White" upon which my face turned red and I instantaneously made the connection that indeed my mystery box-signer was not Reggie White but "our CEO and President Randall White". Later on at the conference, I was able to sit next to him at a break-out session and was informed that my Supervisor had shared my story with him. I asked to have my picture taken so I could show Fundi who had been writing on my boxes. A good laugh indeed.