September 11th, 2001

One smelly morning (we lived in a town east of a paper mill, quaker oats factory, and oil refinery) I woke up and got ready for class just like any other morning. I seem to remember that the weather was nice for September in Iowa. I know that my dorm windows were open and that I wasn't wearing a jacket. I also know that it wasn't terribly hot. I don't recall if I ate breakfast or not. I was a junior in college and rarely rolled out of bed for a bowl of cereal opting to wait for the tantalizing cafeteria food at lunch. I walked from my dorm room in Olin across campus to the library where I worked in the Interlibrary Loan Department processing incoming materials for students who had requested them. I had worked there since my first week of college including both summers. I knew the library staff fairly well. I knew enough to know not to believe everything that the older lady who shared our office told me as she often exaggerated about situations. So, when Paula came into the office and started talking about the announcer on the radio telling everyone that a plane had flown into "those buildings in New York City... you know, those tall ones..." I just kinda nodded and said mmm-hmm as I attempted to finish my work as quickly as possible so I could make it to my 9am class. Paula insisted that I stop what I was doing right away and go down to one of the AV rooms and watch the TV that the AV guy Matt had set up for viewing the news on this plane crash. I did just that--get paid to watch TV, sure... I was amazed and in shock at what I saw. News reports of a commuter plane having flown into one of the World Trade Center Buildings. I don't know exactly what time it was. I do know that I was one of the first people on campus to know what had happened. When I arrived at my Abnormal Psychology class in a building close to the library, I talked casually to one of my class-mates about what I had seen. Bridgette burst into tears and ran from the room. Moments later, she came back in the classroom and asked if anyone had a cell phone she could borrow. I agreed to let her borrow mine. She said she knew someone that would have been in the building or worked near there or something. At this point I was still fairly unconcerned. Shortly after that, my psychology professor arrived Kris Vespia. She carried a radio so that we could listen to the news as all the TVs were taken. At 9:05am Central Standard Time, our class was dismissed. I told our class that there were TVs playing the news in the library and everyone went in to watch. The once vacant AV room now had standing room only. I stood along the edge of the classroom. I do not know anyone in New York. That day, I didn't know anyone that was travelling either. What unfolded before my eyes, I will never forget. I felt so isolated, so insecure, so aware, so hurt, so angry, so betrayed... the list goes on. We watched the video of the tower falling and at that moment I started crying. Before that, I had unrealistically hoped that the people would all get out and that only the building would be lost. I couldn't imagine the feelings that the people who were closer to the situation were. I'm sure uncertain would be one of those feeling. Next, that uncertainty rushed over me: who would do such a thing? why would someone do such a thing? what happens if this is all just a terrible coincidence? what is going to happen to all those people? were there any babies in there? what is going to happen now? am I in danger? I did the only thing I could think of: Called my Mom (a dispatcher at the local county jail...) she would know what to do. Except, I couldn't get through to her. I knew that if I did get through, she would have been sleeping (she only worked the night shift) and I would have woken her up. I figured that the reason I hadn't gotten through was because our home phone in Wisconsin had been taken off the line. I watched some of the tragedy until I just couldn't take it anymore and I walked back to my dorm. I don't recall eating lunch. It just wasn't important at that point in time. I recall putting the TV on and watching some more. I recall trying to sleep it all away only to wake up and put the TV on again to see that it was still there. I recall finally getting ahold of my Mom and discussing wanting to come home even though it was the middle of the week and there really wasn't anything my Mom could do for me.
That afternoon, I went to work at the drug treatment center that I worked at. I remember noticing on the way into work the lack of air traffic and even the lack of traffic on the roads. They were as barren as they are in a typical blizzard. The few people that brave the storm to get where they need to be because they have to be there. The kids there (25 boys and girls from ages 12-18) were all excited because they were getting to watch TV when they were supposed to be studying and working on their recovery. That night we had a group discussion and I expressed to them that just like their parents who remember what they were doing when they found out that JFK was killed or the space shuttle exploded, they would someday be able to recall to their children what they were doing on September 11th.
Later, I would attend a ceremony dedicated to those who died on September 11th. I never felt more out of place and disconnected. I felt insignificant and distant from what had happened. Unlike so many of the people I was attending college with, I didn't know one person who had been close to being killed. I wasn't able to say that I had gotten ahold of so-and-so and that coincidentally, they had not gone to work that morning because their kid hadn't been feeling well. Being so distant from that tragedy made me feel like an outsider, like I didn't deserve to mourn. It was like being at a funeral when you didn't even know the person. You think of all the people that you know who have died. You think of the people that you would hate most to die and then you think of what it will be like when your time comes. But, I did mourn. I was sad for all of those people. I was sad for what they were missing. I was sad for what the people that knew them would miss. I was especially sad for all those wives and children that had to go it alone from that point forward. They didn't deserve any of that. None of them did. It took me a while to get really angry about the who did it part. I'm still not over that.

This could all sound like a story out of a bad science fiction novel, but it is the nightmare that we all lived only six years ago!
What were you doing six years ago?