To be Catholic

I just loved this post on The Other Lion and I had to take a chance to reply.
My husband, having not been brought up in the church (any religion), really made me upset the first time we went to church together on a regular Sunday. I think that the first time we went to church together was for my Mom's funeral, but since then I have been going every Sunday. Anyhow, so what happened is this: I am Catholic. Fundi hadn't been to church for anything other than weddings or funerals, and was pretty clueless about the Catholic "Rules" of church-going. More specifically, he was clueless about how close you could sit to the alter without standing out like a sore thumb. Now, my family had always gone to church. I had three sisters and the six of us would sit about four or five pews from the back of the church, always on the right side as you walk in. When my (soon to be) husband marched me up to the front of church and sat in the third pew from the front, I was REALLY irritated. I gave him the silent treatment through church and then afterward he asked what the problem was. I said that I felt like I was a freak-on-parade being march up to the front of church for an average Sunday service. I explained that only people who were holier than holy sit that close and that I didn't want to stand out. He explained his reasoning: if other people were in front of him, he couldn't see and therefore couldn't concentrate on what was going on and what was being said. I, personally do not have this problem and couldn't agree with his reasoning. Get some Ritalin, already! I do know that there are some people who do have this problem, but I would not think that my husband would be one of those people. He is the one who has too much concentrating power, if you ask me. He can stare at a book, the TV, a video game, whatever, and a bomb could go off but he would not typically recognize that anything other than what he is involved in is happening around him. The next week he did the same thing. And so it went.
Fast forward about two years. Captain was colicky and needed to know what was going on (and still does). For once, I was happy to be going to the front. Captain could see what was going on and I could at least get a little bit out of the service.
Fast forward another two years. Captain and Burbles have a great relationship with our priest. Every (Saturday or) Sunday we sit four pews from the front of the church on the right side as you are going in. Captain even knows exactly where to go. The same entourage of people sit near us every Sunday. This includes my father, his Girlfriend, and Fundi's Mom. They are our helpers. Then there is the police officer, the beautiful family, and a few others who round out the happy crowd who are happy to help out in a time of crisis. This sitting up front business is kinda fun now. The kids enjoy being near the same people week after week. Mostly, though, are the people who watch the kids from afar. They talk to me after mass (or in the gas station) about how well behaved (HAHAHAHAHA) our children are and how nice it is to watch them every week. They are NOT good for Fundi and I, but they are good for those other people to whom they make their rounds on Sunday. Sometimes they even go to communion with other people. These other people enjoy having the kids around. Even the Father R talks to the kids specifically when he is giving his sermon. I feel for the most part that it is welcome for us to sit up front. Oh, I know, there are those people who feel that we should be back in the "Cry Room", but for the most part I think most of the other church-goers have been there and done that, and they are happy to see a young family so active in the church. There are only about three other couples who attend our church regularly who are under thirty. I thank them for that. I thank them for being understanding and I thank them for helping us out during church, because, as most parents know: children behave better for other people than they do for their parents.
We'll see you Sunday, same time, same place.

Dear Captain--month 24

Hi Sweetie,

You are TWO! I can't believe it. It has gone by so quickly. I remember thinking, when we brought you home, that if we could take you back to the hospital and drop you off until you stopped crying, that would be just great. I'm glad we didn't, but don't think that sometimes I don't want to take you somewhere and just drop you off for a while. I don't think that it would last long. I get at least one good laugh out of you daily. Yesterday, your Birthday, you were talking to me. I was washing off your face after having lunch (Sweet and Sour Chicken and Crab Rangoons) you told me "Just Relax". Now, I don't know that I use that phrase often, I'm sure every once in a while when someone here is being a little high-strung, it gets used, but to hear it coming out of your mouth just about had me rolling on the floor.

These days you have been growing up so much. You love looking at catalogs that we get in the mail. You sit and look at all the pictures and talk about what is going on in them. You are learning your colors. Orange is one that you have down. The others, well, they are kinda fuzzy. When we look at books and I ask you to point to something that is, say, red, you can do that, but when I ask you "What color is the ball?" Unless it is orange (and sometimes if it is purple), you really just spout off a color. You always get the idea, though, even if the answers are wrong. I'm amazed at how you figured it out so quickly. When asked "How many?" You always give us a number, too.

Your language skills are amazing. Even the doctor was impressed at how well you dictate what you say. The doctor was also impressed at how well you did during your appointment. When you got your finger pricked for blood draw, you said "Ow." and then sat patiently while they took your blood. Nothing more. You are pretty laid back that way. You don't let much phase you, unless it has something to do with your sister playing with something that you were possibly going to play with in the next, oh, three years. Then you get a little emotional.

You have added a few things to your bedtime routine. Other than the standard brush teeth, flouride, get dressed, say prayers, Glowy, Tiger, Blanket, you have added "Sweet dreams. I love you." Melt my heart, honestly.

You really enjoy having your Guppy around. In the mornings (most mornings, anyway) Guppy comes to your room and gets you out of your crib. You are living downstairs together. Then, you sit with Guppy on the bottom of the stairs and look out the picture window and watch the birds and the trains. It is darling and I'm glad that you have had this opportunity to spend some time with him. You are always right there, ready to greet him when he comes up the stairs, and you are always looking for him when you wake up from your nap. He will be leaving on Tuesday, and like a protective parent, I do not want you to have to say goodbye to someone you have grown to love.

You really enjoyed your birthday party. The cake was a big hit, as were the presents. It was so neat to watch all of your excitement. It was really sweet when you went to people and thanked them for the gifts they had given you as well. You are good with your manners like that. You say please, no thanks, thank you, you're welcome.

Your obsession with the outdoors has become, well, just that, an obsession. On your Birthday Party Day, we had a Pelican migration come through on the Mississippi River. You were in awe of these huge birds flying around and landing on the water. You watch them and watch them. You also watch the trains, semis, school buses, amulances, and pick-up trucks. You also can tell some birds apart. You know the difference between a pelican, a robin, a duck, and a goose. You really know your animals as well. It is amazing to listen to you go through some of your books and name everything that is in the whole book. I was amazed yesterday when you put together two puzzles from the library, without help, even though those were the first real puzzles that you had ever been exposed to. I can only hope that your fascination with learning continues the rest of your life. I also hope your excitement for life helps you through those inevitable tough times.

On your second birthday, you sang Happy Birthday to your sister. You are self-less that way and I don't know that you recognize yourself apart from her. This brings me to tears. You are such a good boy and I hope that we can look at you in fifteen years and know that you are still the same kid you always were... maybe with just a little more attitude.

We love you more today than yesterday,

Mommy

Dear Burbles -- Month 12

HI Honey,
I can't believe that today is your one year birthday! The time has gone by so quickly, but the days sometime seem to stand still. It is amazing to see how much you have grown and changed over the course of a year.
You still aren't saying much. The doctor said (at your 1 year appointment on the 14th) that you need to say five words at fifteen months, or he wants to know about it. Hopefully we will not have to worry about it, but your brother was the same way. He wasn't saying much at a year, but by 15 months, look out. You will get there. You are so cute in the couple of things you do say. You say "all done" and "Hi, Da" and "Yeah". You are understanding more and more each day. I think a lot of it is our fault, though. We have to split our time between you two and Nibble and Fiona, so we don't get to drill you as much as we would like.
As far as your physical developments go... you took your first two steps today, on your birthday! It was so sweet. There you were, standing in the middle of the floor, and you picked up your foot like it was a peg and then your other foot and you took two steps toward me. I was tickled.
We have had Guppy around since Gummie passed away, and you and Guppy have become pals. You are terribly cute with him. He calls you his little flirt and says that the boys better watch out. You crawl near Guppy and smile real big like you want him to pick you up and then when he comes closer to you, you turn and crawl away really quickly. When you get a safe distance away from Guppy, you flop on the floor and turn toward Guppy and bat your eyelashes and smile coyly at him. It is really precious to watch you interact with your Great-Grandfather this way. I enjoy how involved he is in spending time with you while he is here.
We are going to start working with you more to get you napping on your own. I can't continue to take daily naps with you, as much as I would like to. You have continued to sleep well at night, but you wake up in the morning at five and you want to be held until the rest of the house wakes up. You nibble on your bottle and nap on and off. I enjoy this time with you.
We had your birthday party on your birthday. You shared your birthday with Gummie. You also share your birthday with DeDe. The party was for You, DeDe, Captain, and Buca. You really didn't know what to do with the cupcake we set in front of you. You licked some of the frosting off. About a half an hour later, you started to crush the cupcake. You didn't really eat much of it. That is OK. You have been enjoying the strawberries lately. You can eat five or more at one sitting. I would say that your favorite foods are cheese, strawberries, and cheerios or bread.
Update: On the 14th, the day after your birthday, we had your one year check-up. You did really well. The pediatrician was so surprised that you were willing to sit on the table and be examined by him. He said that in all his years of work, he has never seen or dealt with two kids other that you and Captain who sat through their one year physical exam on the table and not on their parent's laps. I was so proud of you. The doctor also said that you look really healthy. You are 20lbs 6oz and 28 3/4 inches tall! You hold the 50th percentile in all things. You are my little peanut.
I love you so much.
We love you more today than yesterday,
Mommy

Gummie

Now, many of you (if there is anyone left reading this blog, at all...) have heard me write about Gummie. She is my mom's mom. And two weeks ago yesterday she had a bi-lateral stroke and congestive heart failure. Last Sunday I went to visit her in California. On Saturday, while our family was hunting Easter Eggs in eight inches of fresh wet snow, she passed away. Strangely enough, at this time, I seem to have a bunch of photoesque memories of her even though I don't know how many memories I hold onto of my Mom. This saddens me. I know my blog has been bleak lately, but that is the way my life is going right now. It seems that all of these things are happening.

Memories:

I see Gummie. I am maybe four or five. She is teaching me about all of the parts of the body that need to be washed while I am in the bathtub. Specifically, and seemingly most importantly, behind the ears.

I see Gummie. She and Mom are waiting for me to take photos with other prom-goers. Then we drive to dinner. She says how beautiful my dress is.

I see Gummie. She is doing this dance we call the camel dance. Moving alternately, heel up heel down. Hands tucked in front like a bunny holding an Easter Basket. Comical.

I see Gummie and Guppy. They were dancers. I would watch and watch as they moved so gracefully around the dance floor. Those nights were torturous to a teenaged girl who wanted nothing to do with Country music.

I see Gummie. She is getting ready to go out. I can see all of her beautiful perfume bottles sitting on her dresser. I see her planning out her outfit and her jewelry.

I see Gummie. She is adamant that I tell her something, although she refuses to tell me what. Over a month later, I will find out that the psychic we went to see together has told her that I am pregnant (true) or will be pregnant in two weeks or less. She was adamant that I must have known, but I had no idea.

I see Gummie. She is playing bingo. She is waiting for her number to be called. She has all her lucky gadgets surrounding her. She says the appropriate things when certain numbers are called.

I see Gummie. She is chewing ice. I, personally, believe that this is one of the most annoying habits in the world. It is disruptive and impolite. Strangely enough, Gummie was a chronic ice chewer even though she was one of the most proper women I know.

I see Gummie. She has her head near my Mom's. Mom is sick. Gummie has tears in her eyes and is terribly sad. I see pain and hurt. I see love.

I see Guppy. I see Guppy talking tenderly to his wife of over fifty years. She is unresponsive and has been for days. The future is unsure but undeniable. He is tender. His love is evident.

There are so many more memories that I think of in this time of sadness.

I will not bore you with the details of my trip or any more of my sadness, but I will leave you with this. This is the photo that I took as I was leaving the hospital as I said Good Bye to Gummie for the last time before she passed. Strangely enough, the moon plays an important part in the photo if you look closely. It is as though there are three dimensions to life and this picture is able to depict those dimensions.

Dear Captain -- 23 Months

Dear Captain,
Hi Buddy, today is your 23 month Birthday. I am writing this to you from Gummie and Guppy's computer in California. This is the longest that I haven't been near you. I am sorry that I had to leave you guys, but I had to come out here to visit Gummie. She is not doing well and we are actually going to take her off of life support tomorrow morning. It pains me to have to tell you all of this, but Gummie is suffering and she is no longer responsive. She opens her eyes, moves her hands and shoulder, and lifts her eyebrows, but all of this is involuntary response. This trip was very important to me and I thank you guys for being understanding. Tonight I went and bought the cutest outfits for Easter on Sunday. They are matchy-matchy, but I will do it while I still can. I can't wait to see you in them.
You have been so sweet lately. You told me "Sweet Dreams" about two weeks ago when I layed you down in your bed. I just about cried. You have such an obsession with anything that moves these days. You watch every train that goes by and tell me what that train is doing ("making money", "slow down stop train", or "fast fast fast". You have seen a couple of helecopters around and are in love with them too. Your biggest physical milestone is the need to run. This means everywhere and with much abandon. You really don't care which way your legs are going and your arms go every which way. You really enjoy being outside now that it is warming up more. You run up and down the deck and cry when we drag you inside. You go go go from the time you wake up until the time you go to sleep. That is, unless you are listening to the Beatle's Children's Album. You mellow and veg when we put that CD on. You especially like the songs "All You Need Is Love" and "Yellow Submarine". Comical.
You are a climber and push our limits all the time. You talk so much and most of it is funny, but some is not necessarily what we want to hear. You are into ownership right now and let everyone know when a toy is "Your name's".
You are so cute at church. You really get along well with Father and you interact with him even during service. You are so independent. You walked right up to the pew we normally sit in and sat right down. You were carrying a hymnal and walked halfway through the pew and climbed up. You just started paying more attention to the choir and director and have been conducting from your seat. You also sing, sometimes loudly, and sway when the choir is singing. It is adorable.
I love you so much and will see you in a couple of days.
Love,
Mommy

Dear Burbles -- Month 11

Dear Baby Girl,
I can't believe that you are almost a year old. Where has the time gone? Every day now you become more and more involved in your world. You have been standing up all on your own, but you have yet to take your first steps. I am kinda hoping that you will walk sometime soon, even though I know I will regret saying that sometime in the near future. You are so proud when you stand by yourself and then when you sit down and everyone claps for you that you were standing, you clap too with a huge smile on your face. This past month has been a little rough and tumble for you. The bumps and bruises are more frequent now, and I am sure this is only the beginning. You are as daring as your brother. Just yesterday you got a fat lip from him headbutting you. You screamed and he felt bad, but accidents happen and you guys were playing rough on the floor. He loves to tickle you like that and you guys just laugh and laugh... until someone gets hurt. You give it back to him, though, and I love watching your interactions.
This month you started talking some. You say "Hi, Da." Dad would like to think that you say it just to him, but you say it to me too. I would like you to acquire the "Mmmm" sound sometime soon though. Then we can start working on the "mamamama". It will come. No pressure. You said "Hat on" clear as day when I was getting your winter clothes on and you spend lots of time chitter-chattering. "All done" is your expression of choice right now. You get "all done" with everything and you know how to use it correctly too. When we get down to your last bites of food, you say "all done" repeatedly. It is cute. You love giving kisses to will give them freely if asked. Sometimes they are a little sloppy but we love them anyway.
You climb the stairs like it is no one's business. You don't quite grasp the concept of edge, though, and you try to sit on the stairs but do not put your little butt on the stair. That could cause you some problems, so we watch you closely when you are on the stairs. It is getting warmer out and I can't wait for spring to be here. You enjoy being outside and I bet that you are just as anxious as the rest of us to get outside and get some fresh air.
We got some news just this past Sunday, March 9th, that your Great-Grandma Gummie had a terrible stroke and that she is in a coma out in California. I am so glad that you and your brother got to meet her before this happened. There are some nice photos of you with her and I will tell you all about her when you get older. The two of you share a birthday and she is the reason you have red hair and a fair complexion. She is also probably the reason you have a temper.
Easter is coming and I hope to get some great photos of you on this special occasion. I can't wait for your birthday party. We'll be having a joint party with Captain at least for the first few years.
Just know how much we love you, and, as Gummie would say, we love you more and more each day.
Love,
Mommy

A Long Week

I don't really have all that much to tell you. I have been working on planning my Spring Bazaar. I'm excited at what is going on with it and need to start getting my things together for my table. I ended up at Kinkos yesterday making copies of Customer Specials and Hostess Specials. I then called my sister B and we met up at Olive Garden and ate lunch with the four kids and two adults. After lunch, we ventured over to Target where I intended to walk around with B as she looked for items on her list including a toddler car seat for Nibble. Now, at that time, I had a moment: I remembered that my baby girl is going to be a year old in a month in a half and that means that she gets to have a new car seat. So, now I need to go shopping. I remember how much time I spent researching and finding the perfect seat for Captain, and I know Burbles deserves just as much research, but I think it may just be easiest to buy the same seat we have for Captain. Although it is a little big, he seems very comfortable and has good head support. The car seat is also very easy to use. The car seat that I speak of is the Graco Toddler SafeSeat. This is not the exact style because apparently the style we have is no longer available. There is a cute girl pattern called Natalie, but I don't know. Anyhow, so this past weekend I was able to get away from the kids for almost a whole day to scrapbook. It was really nice and I got some pages done and it felt good to be out amongst the people of the world. Then on Sunday we went to church. It was a great sermon and maybe I'll be able to get the letter that Father read during church. Then it was such a nice day that we went to Grumpa E's house and Captain got to go on a snowmobile ride. He wasn't thrilled at first but after a couple of loops, he didn't want to get off. That night we had a Birthday party for Fundi. It was fun and I'm always so proud when things go off without a hitch. Then the week started. And I really haven't had much time to do anything since. I have gotten to watch Big Brother, though, and I would like to say that I am enjoying this season. I caught a terrible cold sometime since Sunday. It isn't terrible in that I am down and out, but I am just so congested and have a lot of head pressure. I have also had some trouble sleeping. Last night in particular was plagued with dreams of the Spring Bazaar, unpreparedness, and a lack of room for all of the vendors. All of these things I hope will not be issues, but I have been thinking about how things will play out, so all of this is understandable. I have put so much work into planning and getting vendors and sending out things to the vendors and making sure that everyone was on the same page and advertising.

Thursday night, Grumpa E came over to play with the kids in the afternoon. He was reading a book to Captain and they were talking about the pictures. One of the pictures was a puppy. Captain got all teary and his voice quivered. He got off Grumpa's lap and walked half-way to the door pointing. He said in this break-my-heart voice: "Puppy broken. Elephant broken." When I asked him to repeat what he had said, he said it again and got even more teary and sad. I was at a loss for what was happening. We had talked about any number of things including the elephant ride at the circus. Click. At the circus (4 days prior), there had been a clown during acts. The clown brought out three stuffed animals: a giraffe, a lion, and an elephant. He stood them up in a line and took out a large cardboard key. He cranked (with dramatic sound effects) the lion up and then walked around the ring marching to the music. Of course, the lion didn't follow. He kicked the lion across the ring. Then came the giraffe with the same theatrics. Third was the elephant. The clown cranked and started marching to the music, and the elephant followed. About three-quarters of the way around the ring, the elephant slowly tipped over as though running out of gas. The clown cranked the elephant again. The same thing happened. And again. Finally, the clown cranked and cranked and cranked and cranked. The ring-master asked the clown to stop so that the elephant wouldn't break. The clown didn't listen, and sure enough, every time the clown stood the elephant up and the music started, the elephant tipped over. Finally, the elephant took off and he and the clown marched around the ring. Then the clown went to the elephant and took its costume off. Here is was a little puppy. This was such a small part of the circus. Typing this story has taken longer than the act itself. Obviously, though, to a toddler, whose favorite little animals were combined into a tragic tale, this was not a small part of the circus. As I told Grumpa the story, Captain got emotional. When I asked him if this was what he was talking about, he said "yeah". Ever since, when we are talking to people about the circus, and even if we aren't, he starts talking about "Puppy broke. Elephant broke." And he still gets emotional about it. I hope he isn't traumatized. We have explained that it was just a story and that both the puppy and elephant are fine, but I have a feeling he isn't buying it.

Anyhow, I'm gonna caption these pictures and then get busy here at the house. Have a great rest of the week and I will for sure let you know how the Bazaar goes on Saturday.

Here is Nibble. This photo was taken today. A couple of weeks ago, I spied a shiny spot on his gum. Thinking that it was something that he had gotten into his mouth that he shouldn't have, I felt for it. It was hard and sharp. A tooth. I looked and there was a corresponding tooth on the other side. This is all the more reason to keep his name Nibble. He is now a vampire.
Sorry about my foot in the photo. This was this week one day. They were laying on the floor with their arms intertwined and I thought it was cute.
Look at those Baby Blues. A little model posing. His momma has him trained when the camera comes out.
The purchase from Target yesterday. It is the most perfect t-shirt for Captain. I almost cried when I saw it. I am going to save it for those particularly hard toddler days. Everything on here is true. I could fill up the whole back side of the shirt as well.
Here is a close up.

Captain getting ready for his big ride.
Captain and Grumpa E before they took off.
Coming around the first time. Not a happy camper.
Burbles didn't get a ride but she got a picture with Grumpa.
Mommy and Captain on the sled. He had a great time when we rode around. I think we could have done it for hours. I remember falling asleep on the snowmobile when I was younger.

This is the sad sight when Grumpa left for the trails. He and his girlfriend P and another couple when on a ride that afternoon. Captain chased them down the road. He kept calling "Grumpa, snowmobile ride. Grumpa, snowmobile ride." It almost made me cry.
The night of Fundi's party Grandpa G and the grand kids.
Getting ready for church. Burbles was fighting to not have to get dressed. Captain was helping chase her around with her sweater to put it on her.
One of this month's elephant photos.
When Mom's away, the kids will play. Fundi blended up some soup so that Captain would eat everything in it. By the looks of it, he enjoyed the soup.

Full Lunar Eclipse

Five years ago, around this same time of year, there was a full lunar eclipse. I remember it well. I am sitting here now, five years later and watching the moon fall into the shadow of the earth and watching it slowly disappear. Captain didn't know what to think tonight. I showed him the moon as it was rising. It was a deep red-orange and it wasn't his usual "White Moon" that he looks at. He watched it rise through the trees and then it was his bed time, so I will continue to watch it for him.
The reason I remember the lunar eclipse from five years ago is this: it was the year my mom died. I was working at the Sheriff's Youth Program Home in Winona, Minnesota. For whatever reason, I was working alone that evening and was waiting for my relief. As was customary, between bed checks, I was working on paperwork, checking the internet for email and weather, and looking forward to driving home and going to sleep. I was living at my parents' house. I had graduate College that January and moved home so that I could be close to Fundi. We hadn't even talked of marriage and I didn't figure that I would ever have moved back home, but that is where I was. The Sheriff's Youth Program offered me a job in my field, although no college degree was required, so even though I was working in my field, I wasn't being paid for the degree I had. It was only a part-time job and it was over half an hour away from home, but it was something for me to do and I enjoyed the work. I was working with troubled kids. Some of them had broken the law (one had stolen an Amish Buggy in the rain so that he didn't have to walk home after his father had forgotten to pick him up from work), most of them came from broken homes, most of them needed direction and guidance, and all of them needed someone who cared. I enjoyed it. I did. I did however, get a little nervous when I was working by myself, and I did find great relief when the next shift showed up. This just happened to be a lady in her mid-thirtys who I happened to get along with really well. We both had the same sense of humor and we both wanted what was best for the kids. We had just found out that my mom was sick. Her father had died of lung cancer (quite quickly) a short time before. And, although we didn't have a diagnosis for my Mom and she had been released from the hospital, in the back of all of our minds, we were thinking the worst and hoping for the best. That night, as I was relieved, we had a long discussion about lung cancer and the best and worst case scenarios. I was pretty upset. I called Fundi and told him that I would be stopping at his house and I wanted him to come out with me and watch the moon disappear and reappear. He did so, even though I could tell he didn't particularly care about the moon. We took his truck and drove to a crushed rock parking lot. It was cold. We sat on the tailgate of his truck for at least an hour watching the moon. Little was said that night, and what was said revolved around my Mom. I remember crying that terrible silent cry that makes you feel so alone. I remember the tears stinging my cold cheeks. Fundi sat beside me and patiently held my hand. I remember feeling grateful for him not asking me to explain myself. He didn't ask why I was crying--he knew. I know that he loved Mom too. I know that he had the same fears I had (the fears that would later be confirmed by the doctors) and I know that he feared the worst (the news that would later be confirmed by the doctors) and hoped for the best (the opportunity we never had). I was so lonely even though I had Fundi. I guess there is a place in me that is still terribly lonely. It is a place that noone could ever fill no matter how much time passes.
I was quite close to Mom, as many of you probably know by know, and my favorite thing to do when I was driving home from work was to call her up and talk to her. She worked the night shift at the jail in our county, and in both my job at College and after College, I was always driving home when she was just starting her shift. If she wasn't busy, she would talk with me about how everything was going on my whole drive home (in both jobs, it was over a half an hour of driving). Many times I even stopped at the Jail and hung out with her and her co-workers into the late night hours or even early morning hours. One of my favorite passtimes after I turned 18 was to go on ride-alongs with the officers. It was so much fun. I felt adventurous and excited. Mom and I never ran out of things to talk about, and ride-alongs and other Jail news was always fun discussion. I loved hearing about the things that went on while I was away at College. Many times when I came home for visits, I would be able to jump right in to ride-along again. I don't think I would have the bravery to be an officer, but I love being a side-kick and I have so many fun and interesting stories from this strange passtime. (For a different time.)
That night of the lunar eclipse, my Mom wasn't watching. I believe she was home in bed. My drive to Fundi's house was terribly lonely. I didn't get to call Mom and tell her what I was going to be doing that evening. I stopped working at Sheriff's Youth Program when they laid me off just before my Mom passed away. After Fundi and I were married, I started a job at Wal-Mart in the same town Sheriff's Youth Program had been in. How I longed for those calls to Mom. How I longed for someone to keep me company on the way home from work after my evening shifts. And, even now after I am not working, I wonder how it would be if She were still around. I think about the comfortable routine we would fall into. After Fundi goes to work in the evenings, I can see her coming over and hanging out as we get the kids ready for bed. I can see her spending some daytime hours with us as well while Fundi sleeps. I can hear the phone calls when I need advice about the kids. She would love the kids. She would be happy for us. I feel like I was cheated. I feel like my kids were cheated. I feel like She was cheated.
And now, as the moon disappears in the shadow, I think of the great absence in the sky. Something that is ever present being hidden and taken away. Even though we can't see it, it is there, as I know she is. I guess I find a strange comfort in that just as I did on that night five years ago.

The Circus

Here is the crew waiting for intermission to be over. We had a really great time at the Circus and the whole day was a great experience. It was so much fun to watch the kids having a good time. Everyone was well-behaved and attentive.
Z smiling pretty for the camera.
Fundi, Captain and Fiona rode on an elephant. Captain has been talking about it all day. I think they had a great time. No one even freaked out, which was surprising and exciting at the same time.
It was a BIG elephant. From the stands it didn't look so big, but once you were on the ground standing beside it, is was pretty tall.
Burbles and Captain sitting like big kids on the fold-out stadium chairs. Captain isn't really drinking the Pepsi, although he would have liked to have been. Fundi, Captain, Burbles waiting for the Circus to start.
Captain eating Cotton Candy. Now, typically this isn't my parenting style (to say the least), but I couldn't help but to let him indulge a little bit. I figured that he would love it, but he really didn't care much for it, and he refused to take any after about the third small bite that I gave him.
Fundi, on the other hand, enjoyed the Cotton Candy as much as I did.
Here I am with the kids.

Before we went to the Circus, we went to Chuck E. Cheese. Burbles and Captain both enjoyed the mechanical band at the front of the restaurant. We sat front and center so that it was like a kid-friendly dinner theater (a real dinner theater? now that would be a novel idea...)
Captain sat by the "Puppy". Now, I don't know what kind of puppy this was supposed to be, but I can say that we don't have much experience with mice (which is a great thing) so he just didn't know that Chuck E. Cheese was a mouse... didn't get that connection.... the cheese/mouse thing. He is too young for that yet, I think.
Burbles sitting next to him now. I don't know what she was thinking.... probably "why is this thing moving and where can I hold on"
Bob the Builder here, but he just liked the bull dozer idea. Doesn't know a think about Bob the Builder.
Monster Trucks, now there is something he can figure out. This one tipped backward, forward, sideways, and shook. He wasn't terribly thrilled about all of this, but he and Fiona did fine together.Now, who can go to an arcade without playing skee-ball? NOT ME! It is my favorite and Fundi played for the first time. Captain is just obsessed with the balls.

Dear Captain--month 22

Dear Captain,
I love you dearly, but yesterday you were very trying. You have come to realize that pushing my buttons is fun. You enjoy stealing things away from me and running as fast as you can. I realize you probably want attention, but I need my space too. You also steal things away from your little sister. I hope that this is just a phase, a way for you to assert your independence and let us know that you want our attention and our love. You have also taken to biting, hitting, pushing, and kicking. I really hope that this is just a phase. You have been learning so much lately. We have been working with you on reading. You really enjoy the Your Baby Can Read DVD Set. You wake up in the morning and after breakfast you ask to watch the "Baby DVD". You are still sleeping downstairs in the dark by yourself and we are so proud of you. You go downstairs willingly and just a couple weeks ago, you have started asking for help going up and down the stairs standing up. You hold our hands and use your short little legs to get you up and down. Just this morning you said "Thirsty. I'm thirsty. Drink milk please." What a big boy. You really enjoy being out and about. You love shopping and going out to eat. You like to look around at new surroundings and talk to new people. Sometimes you are shy, but you are quick to warm up. You enjoy going to church, about a month ago, probably right after I wrote your last letter, we went to church on a Saturday evening. You had a clear view of Father, and after everyone had bowed their heads for a prayer, you said (rather loudly) "Hi, Father." Father's face turned red and he said "Hi, Captain." and tried his hardest not to laugh. The whole church laughed. They all adore you and tend to pay more attention to you than to Father sometimes. You got your hair cut this week and you sat in the chair all by yourself and didn't make a fuss or wiggle too much or anything. You are such a big boy and are so independent. Your favorite food right now is Cottage Cheese and has been for quite some time. You would eat it at every meal if I would let you. You also love anything sweet. Last night when we got home from church, you were fascinated by the "White Moon" and kept looking up at the sky. So, after Dad took your sister in the house to put her to sleep, he shut off the outside lights and you and I stayed outside looking at the big sky and pointing to the moon and the stars. I can't wait to take you outside on a summer night and run around and catch fireflies and look at all the stars in the sky. It is snowing right now. You enjoy the snow. You love running around in it and eating it. You hate your boots as you can't walk very well in them, but it doesn't seem to bother you when you wear you leather soft-shoes around outside even when it is cold and they get wet. We are going to the circus tomorrow night. We can't wait to see how you react. I'm sure that you will be absolutely excited and observant. Maybe we'll even get you some cotton candy.
We love you more today than yesterday,
Mommy

Identity Theft and God

Last night's sermon at church related to me in so many ways. The Gospel was about God telling the others on the mountain that in fact they should listen to Jesus because he was here to bring the Good News to all. God exposed the identity of Jesus. During Lent we are called to expose our true identity. Our priest talked for a while about Identity Theft and how people are very concerned with getting their identities stolen. The question was: What can we really define as our identities? Is an identity something that can be stolen? How do we identify ourselves? Do we identify ourselves by our past? Our present? Our mistakes? Our achievements? Our possessions? Of course all of this is what is combined to create our identity. But, how are we doing on our Spiritual Identity? Are we giving enough? Do we pray enough? Do we help others enough? Are we willing enough to serve? Do we take what we learn in church on a weekly basis and make it into something that could be considered follow-through? We are really not able to judge ourselves or others on all of these questions, I think. It is up to God. I think that we can try our best to follow the Word. When we make a mistake, learn from it. But, in the end, I think God is the one who will decide if our Identity is what it should be.

Which brings me to why I can really relate to the sermon: I was in a funk yesterday. Not to say that I have to be in a funk to relate to a sermon. Also, my kids were being held by someone other than me (a good thing considering my mood and their behavior yesterday) and I was able to really dissolve in the sermon and think about everything that was being said and how I could use it in my life. My funk, as far as I can tell, was brought on by the book: Dispatches From A Not So Perfect Life or How I Learned to Love the House, the Man, the Child. A book that seemingly truly examines the roles of Homemaker, Wife, and Mother. Here is my review thus far (only 20-some pages in):

Started this book. It makes me terribly lonely. It hits right on how I feel sometimes. It makes me want to run away. And I'm not even through the first story. I don't know how this is going to go. Will I continue longing for something which I cannot have or will I embrace what I have and be happy with the situation I am in? I guess that is my choice and is probably what the whole book is about. However, lately I find myself daydreaming about my college days. I believe I am remembering them through rose-colored glasses, but I feel like I didn't do enough during them. I feel like a part of me was left behind and a part of me needs to revisit and have closure with them. What if my whole life turns out this way? What if I always look back and think that I would like to live through this time or that time all over again even though I should be perfectly satisfied where I am at this point in time? Good grief.

After re-reading this review, I feel like I am an ungrateful, undeserving, immature little brat. Sure, just like Father said last night, everyone makes mistakes or wonders "What if...?". I just really need to make myself move past this. I love being a Homemaker (even if I am not the best cook in the world), I love being a Mom (even if I lose my temper sometimes or have a bad day), I love being a Wife (even if I can't figure out why Fundi can't see the messes around the house). There is always something in our house to eat--we should be grateful. We are parents and even though our children are not always the quiet, well behaved little beings we want them to be, we are so terribly proud and happy to have them as ours--we should be grateful. My husband always comes home from his long day of work and helps out and he is wonderful to me (not by buying me flowers and candy, but by loving me even in my funk--even after I can't remember my last shower) and I love him dearly-- I should be grateful. And I am, don't get me wrong. I am grateful for everything that God has blessed us with. But, the book questions Identity (although, thus far, not Spiritual Identity) and made me feel insecure with my happiness in the mundane things in my life. I will continue reading it. I am not saying that it is a bad book. It is very well written and I love a book that makes me think or challenges my thinking. This maybe just hit a little too close to home. And yesterday, in my funk, it made me long for things that I wouldn't trade for what I have now... not in this life. I would just like to say I love my house, my man, and my kids. I also love my God.

Bad Blogger

The other morning Burbles and I snuggled up on the couch waiting for Nibble to arrive. She was wide awake. Me, not so much.
Fiona and Captain pretended they were sleeping on the couch. They each had a pillow and the end of the couch but they shared the blanket. It was sweet.

Here is something for all you Lambies out there. It is a duck in a lamb suit.
Clap.
Look at her all posing for the camera. She was pushing this tub around and walking behind it.
Captain lining up his balls. Is this normal? Please look at the following pictures and tell me if there is something wrong or if this is only a normal stage in development. I have been trying to figure this out myself.
Shoes in a line. He did this. They aren't where they are supposed to be. He moved each shoe to its specific resting spot.

Balls and blocks. Please note that the blocks on the right are all facing the same direction.
Cars in a row. He was so proud.
See?
This is the view from our house the other day after the snowstorm. There are a two photos here, but they are pretty cool.
Fiona's Birthday Party:
Birthday cake. Yummy.
Fiona with her cake and candles.
Burbles got a bow on her head.
She liked the pillow that Fiona got for her birthday.

Fiona opens her gifts.
Captain opens Fiona's gifts.
See the blanket? He was walking around with it around his body toga-style. Of couse I didn't get my camera fast enough to take the picture and then when he saw the camera, he sat down and put the blanket down.
Puzzle.
This is the Usborne CEO/President, Randall White. I had a moment... there at that conference, and I will admit it to you all now. Starting with a story: when I first started selling Usborne Books, I couldn't wait to get my shipments of books (obviously not much has changed). On one of my first shipments, I noticed that there was a handwritten greeting that said "HI Andrea R.White" Now, you probably have already figured this out, but having not been with the company and not really had much contact with anyone other than my sponsor and my supervisor, I said to Fundi: "Reggie White says HI". Fundi says to me "I thought Reggie White [former Green Bay Packer] was dead." I replied that I didn't remember and we hypothesized on who would possibly be signing my boxes as though they knew me. I received a few more of these signed boxes and we just made little jokes about dead Reggie White signing my boxes and how they sure must not have a lot to do in the shipping department if they are continuing to personally handwrite greetings on so many of my boxes. Fastforward to January 26th--Mega-Regional Conference in the Twin Cities. I was excited to be there, excited to meet my supervisor and all of the other people who would be there who shared a common passion. We were seated and after a few housekeeping announcements, the lady introduced "our CEO and President Randall White" upon which my face turned red and I instantaneously made the connection that indeed my mystery box-signer was not Reggie White but "our CEO and President Randall White". Later on at the conference, I was able to sit next to him at a break-out session and was informed that my Supervisor had shared my story with him. I asked to have my picture taken so I could show Fundi who had been writing on my boxes. A good laugh indeed.